Two days ago I caught a huge cold and I've been feeling pretty sick and miserable. I had to stay at home for a couple of days and had time to do a lot of thinking (basically, the only thing I could do).
The cloud that filled my head led me to feel that I am completely unable to live a happy life. Unhappiness seems to be my usual state of mind these days. Maybe the problem is that I have become happy feeling unhappy. Isn't that sad? I've come to be isolated most of the time and I am not making any efforts to change this situation anymore (would I even know how to change it if I really wanted to?). My friends have gone on with their lives and are focused in their own families, which is the "normal" thing to do (I've always had problems understanding what that word embraces and when something stands out as "normal" ↝ There you have a pretty paradox!). Somewhere along the line I got left behind and now it's going to be hard (if not impossible) to catch up again (whatever it is I need to catch up on). I've always had my ups and downs, in fact, my life is basically a mental roller coaster, but I cannot recall ever feeling this lonely. When they talk about single people they don't explain how hard it can be to keep living a normal life (there goes that word again!) when all your acquaintances have moved on to a different path and you come to be not only single, but completely alone. I haven´t allowed myself the freedom to explore the real world (always dreaming, hardly ever living) and been tied up to the (imaginary) "fidelity to an idea". I am, once again, the perfect example of "the road not taken"... My whole life I've told myself and others that I was independent and that I loved being single. The first part still holds true, but not the second. I know I can manage on my own, but I don't want to be alone anymore (although through experience I'm getting unhappily used to it↝Does that make any sense?).
The cloud that filled my head led me to feel that I am completely unable to live a happy life. Unhappiness seems to be my usual state of mind these days. Maybe the problem is that I have become happy feeling unhappy. Isn't that sad? I've come to be isolated most of the time and I am not making any efforts to change this situation anymore (would I even know how to change it if I really wanted to?). My friends have gone on with their lives and are focused in their own families, which is the "normal" thing to do (I've always had problems understanding what that word embraces and when something stands out as "normal" ↝ There you have a pretty paradox!). Somewhere along the line I got left behind and now it's going to be hard (if not impossible) to catch up again (whatever it is I need to catch up on). I've always had my ups and downs, in fact, my life is basically a mental roller coaster, but I cannot recall ever feeling this lonely. When they talk about single people they don't explain how hard it can be to keep living a normal life (there goes that word again!) when all your acquaintances have moved on to a different path and you come to be not only single, but completely alone. I haven´t allowed myself the freedom to explore the real world (always dreaming, hardly ever living) and been tied up to the (imaginary) "fidelity to an idea". I am, once again, the perfect example of "the road not taken"... My whole life I've told myself and others that I was independent and that I loved being single. The first part still holds true, but not the second. I know I can manage on my own, but I don't want to be alone anymore (although through experience I'm getting unhappily used to it↝Does that make any sense?).
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